When It Started
by thisisjusttosay
Summary: Lily's fallen in love...but not with her boyfriend. Now she's got two men on her hands. What to do?
1. We Never Change

Chapter 1

There was laughter and talk ringing through the Great Hall as students finished their first meal. The four seperate house tables were covered with the remains of a delicious supper, and everyone seemed satisfied. As students moved to leave the Hall, four students seated at the Gryffindor table lagged behind.

To be specific, there were four boys, three of whom were languidly relaxing, while the fourth sat nervously, seemingly out of place compared to the others' ease. They all sat across from each other, two on either side of the table. One of the boys looked up in annoyance after watching his friend continue to agitatedly flit a glance around the hall.

"Peter, would you stop being such a bloody annoyance and calm down?" A lazy voice drawled. The boy was doodling his name in the air with his wand. "Sirius" was spelled out in a glowing red in front of his face as he busily embellished it with curlicues. He was the picture of cool condescension, with sleek black hair that draped elegantly across his forehead. His straight nose and soft mouth created a pleasing image and his dark, cloudy eyes were half closed, covered mostly by soft lashes. "You're making me all tense. What are you worried about, anyways? We haven't done anything wrong."

The nervous boy, Peter, squeaked slightly. "I just don't want to be in trouble on our first day back. You guys didn't do anything without telling me, right? Because whenever you three do something without telling me, I still get in trouble and I don't-"

"Peter, Sirius is right. Shut up. We already told you we haven't done anything. We're tired. We all spent last night trying to pack- we're not maniacs about the whole pranking thing." This comment was made by the boy sitting closest to Sirius. He, like Sirius, was immensly good looking, with messy black hair that spiked appealingly. He had a long, perfect straight nose and his mouth was slightly less full than his best friend's. He seemed slightly more regal than Sirius, less like a puppy and more authoritative.

When he grinned, his lips parted to reveal even white rows of teeth. His deep brown eyes glinted with mischief and revealed a quick cleverness. "Remus looks like he's glad for a break anyways."

The addressee jerked his head up, as if awakening from sleep. "What? Sorry, didn't hear you James," he murmured, speaking softly to his friend.

"I said that you look like you need a break," said James.

"That I do," replied Remus. He looked markedly different from James and Sirius. He had soft blonde hair that curled ever so slightly at the tips, giving him an angelic look. His face was structured more delicately than either of his darker friends, and his mouth was full and small, like a baby's. His skin was also much paler than their's. "Full moon in a week and a half."

Peter smiled. "Excellent." Peter was the oddest member in this group of four. He was an anomaly, with his short height and wide, squat form. He had a small, beakish nose and watery eyes that made him look perpetually on the verge of a sneeze. His ungainly posture and attitude made him a strange addition to the otherwise handsome crew.

James jerked his head up at this comment. "Don't be so inconsiderate, Peter," he hissed. "Remus obviously doesn't feel well." James turned his head towards Remus. "You look tired, do you want to go see Ms. Pomfrey?"

Any outsider of this group of friends would be confused by these comments. But the four boys were joined in knowledge of Remus' secret affliction. To put it simply, he was a werewolf.

Remus smiled wanly. "That's alright James. I'll be fine. I'm just starting to feel that itchy ache all over." He looked up at his friend. "I've been meaning to ask- how are YOU?"

James struggled to put up a confused face. "What do you mean, how am I?" His voice, however, was slightly strained, revealing that he knew exactly what his friend meant.

Sirius smirked slightly. "What he MEANS, my dear friend, is how are you taking the sudden news of THAT." He jerked his head sideways, indicating the presence of two other people who had also remained after the meal had finished.

The pair seemed to be locked in a semi-embrace, with the taller of the two looping one arm over the shorter, presumably female person's shoulders. The taller, another 7th year male by the looks of it, was straddling the bench slightly and leaning on his elbow as the girl fed him a piece of fruit.

The girl was beautiful, with deep red hair and lightly tanned skin. A small pert nose and berry colored lips along with high cheekbones and sparkling emerald green eyes gave her an ethereal attractiveness. She smiled winningly at her companion, who was not quite as handsome as she was alluring, leaned in to kiss her nose.

James stiffened as he watched this, and hastily turned away. "I don't care. I don't care, and I'm over her. Lily isn't my crush anymore." He looked around at the disbelieving faces surrounding him. "I swear!" he said indignantly.

Sirius snorted. "Yea, and that's why you look as if you want to go and throttle the living daylights out of John, right?" He looked over at the pair again. "Although I must say that I'm disappointed that she's dating John Lafferty. He's such a player. I didn't think she went for that kind of guy."

"That's rich, coming from you, mate." Remus replied. "You shouldn't be one to judge another 'player' as you put it. You're much more of a Don Juan than he is. " He glanced sideways at James again. "Are you sure that you're OK about this? I mean, I know that you say that you're over her and everything, but you look kind of..." He trailed off, looking concerned before finishing his comment. "You look like you still want her."

James sighed softly and looked down. "Of course I do, but she doesn't want me, and I made an executive decision this summer that I don't like her anymore." He looked up, slightly pitifully. "Old habits you know...the whole thing...they die hard." He looked down at the table again, this time with his eyebrows knit together and his face scrunched in consternation. Softly, so that no one could hear him he whispered, "Really hard."

Sirius hauled himself up into a proper sitting position and leaned to the right towards his best friend, leaning forward on his left elbow, studying James carefully. "Mate, if you still like her, it's OK, you know?" He continued watching as his friend's face contorted slightly in anguish. "You're really trying to get over her then?"

James tilted his head up to the ceiling and shut his eyes slightly. "Yea, I am. No more begging, you know?"

break 

Lily smiled warmly again at her boyfriend. God, she loved that word. Boyfriend. John was so gentle, so kind, so...She drifted off again into thoughts of him and she studied his face, admiring it.

John was handsome in an angular way. His face's most prominent features were his sharp cheekbones and slightly large nose. However, these slightly extreme characteristics worked on an otherwise bland face of pale perfection. He had dark brown hair and his skin was lacking in color, but he looked rather noble, atleast to her.

"Lily? Lily... are you listening? What's wrong?"

She snapped hastily out of her idle reverie, blushing, and apologized. "What is it? What did you say? Sorry, I drifted off there for a moment. I'm so tired and-"

John interrupted her firmly. "It's fine." He smiled slightly and said, "I was just asking whether you wanted to go out on a real date this weekend. You know, out to Hogsmeade and all. We're allowed to go every weekend now that we're seventh years, and I thought it would be fun."

Lily grinned excitedly, "Yea, I'd love to. Shall we go on Saturday? We can go right after breakfast and spend the day."

"Yea, yea I'd like that. But hey, we should probably head up to bed now. It's getting late and the teachers are watching. You probably have to patrol or something now that you're Head Girl." John smiled proudly down at her. "Right?"

Lily jumped up. "Oh shit, I forgot, I have to patrol! You're right, oh oh..." She looked around, "Is Potter here? I need to go with him for lights out."

John nodded and pointed over his shoulder, further down the tables. "He's right over there." He looked protectively up at her saying, "Are you sure he won't bother you? I mean, he's pretty obvious about having a huge crush on you and all that."

Lily laughed it off. "It's fine. He won't bother me. He's Head Boy now, so obviously Dumbledore thinks he's grown up and is responsible now." She reached up and hugged her boyfriend around the neck, kissing his cheek softly. "You'd better head off to your common room now. It's nearly past curfew."

After a few more goodbye kisses, she turned and walked towards James, unconciously walking slower and slightly more warily.

"Er...James? Do you remember, um...patrol?"Lily cursed her voice. Why did she sound so nervous? She was Head Girl, for God's sake. She was supposed to have authority. Abruptly, she cleared her throat again and said, "James? Come on, we have to patrol."

At the sound of her voice, James had jerked his head up and looked up at her in slight confusion before recognition and realization appeared on his face.

"Oh! Oh, right! Sorry, I-" He looked around at his friends apologetically. "Sorry mates, I have to take off, but you guys had better get to the dorms. I'll be there in an hour or so, ok? I have to patrol, I forgot, it slipped my mind." He turned towards Lily. "Sorry Lily, I was tired,-"

"It's quite alright. I nearly forgot as well." Lily smiled at the rest of the boys. "See you tomorrow then Remus, Sirius, Peter." She swung around quickly and she and James walked out of the hall together, side by side.

His friends watched as the pair walked off together, side by side.

"Honestly," snorted Sirius. "The two of them look bloody perfect together. It makes me sick, you know?"

Remus smiled slightly. "Yea, they do. But Lily is not single and that means James will have to wait."

break 

As James and Lily left quickly out of the dining area they accidentaly brushed hands. Blushing, they both muttered apologies before widening the narrow gap between them. They continued to walk up and down the halls, going down corridors and checking classrooms for any students out of bed.

James coughed slightly and said,"Well, how was your summer?" They hadn't spoken the entire time so far, and he was becoming uncomfortable with the silence.

Lily jumped, a little surprised by the sudden attempt at conversation. "Oh, it was good. I spent the summer in Italy. Did lots of shopping, you know." Lily laughed a little at how frivolous that sounded. "How was yours? You seem all tan- did you spend a lot of time in a warm place or is that just from being out of doors?"

James flushed a little in pleasure that she'd noticed his tan. "Oh, you know, went to Greece with my parents, Sirius, and Remus. Peter's parents didn't let him come along, but we had fun." He looked ahead at some nonexistant object and asked quickly, "How long have you been dating John?"

She flushed as well, although this time more from discomfort rather than pleasure. "Uhm... just about a week. He sent an owl and you know, I thought he was rather nice and..." Why was she rambling? She didn't need to explain herself to him!

"That's nice," he replied, slightly dazedly. He didn't reply for a while. Suddenly, he said, "Do you behave differently over the summer? Is life really different without all of your wizarding friends and stuff?" He stopped, looking embarassed. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that. That's your private business."

Lily laughed, relieved in the change of subject. "Oh, no that's quite alright. I don't mind you asking. It's actually rather funny, because living in the Muggle world is rather difficult now that I'm so used to living as a witch. I keep having to remind myself to not use magic. I have to keep saying to myself, OK, remember that it's a car that we use to get around here, not a broom, and things like that."

James looked at her inquisitively. "A car? What's that again? Is it that funny horseless carriage? The thing that's always puttering around on tallroads and that sort of thing?"

Lily grinned. "Yea sort of. I think you meant HIGHways. They're really useful. Cars, I mean." She slowed her walking suddenly. "Well, I think the patrolling is finished." She looked around hesitantly. "How do we get to Gryffindor Tower from here?"

The pair had ended up at the Astronomy Tower, and now James leaned lazily against one of the pillars that stood on either side of the open window out of which students came to gaze up at the stars.

He shrugged lazily. "I dunno. Let me think for a second." In truth, he knew exactly how to get back, but Lily made such a pretty picture there, red hair gleaming softly under the star and moonlight that he felt compelled to watch her like that for a little while.

He had been nervous about sharing the Head position with her initially. They hadn't exactly gotten along over the past two years. Ever since he had confessed his undying love for her at the fifth year Halloween feast for the whole school to hear, their relationship, or non-relationship, had been tense and unfriendly. But this summer he had promised himself that he would no longer do such immature things as prank random strangers and prove himself worthy of her affection. Although James had told his friends he wanted to get over her- which he did, and he would if he could, but he couldn't- he was still madly in love with her, and he would do anything that he could to have her as his. He smiled, amused by that thought. He was hers, if anything. Lily owned him. Owned his thoughts, his dreams, his hopes, his hopeful future especially. He sighed slightly and continued to watch her out of the corner of his eye.

Lily was a little surprised by how easily she was talking with James. He seemed sweet, really, and much more mature than last year. He'd really grown up over the summer. As she watched his face, she was struck by just how handsome he was. Of course, he'd always been good looking, and well loved by all the ladies, but since the fifth year, he'd devoted himself to her, and no amount of dissuasion on her part could convince him to lighten up and back away. She secretly admired his persistency, and would have gone out with him this year, maybe, if John hadn't asked first.

"Do you remember how to get back?" she queried softly. She watched as he turned his head and directed his face towards her.

"I think so," he said softly. James sighed slightly and got back up and headed out of the tower. "You ready?"

Lily nodded and the pair headed out the tower and down to Gryffindor's common room in silence.

Once they'd reached entered the common room, they both stopped uncomfortably at the foot of the two stairways to the boy's and girls's dormitories.

James spoke first. "Well, goodnight." He turned and headed towards his dorms quickly, afraid that he might do something wild and stupid like kiss her. She was so captivating that it was painful to look at her.

"James," said Lily softly. She wasn't sure why, but she felt compelled to hug him, which she did quickly, before she could chicken out. "Goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast." Hurriedly she walked up the stairs, but then halfway up, she turned around and looked at him, comically frozen in surprise at her sudden show of affection, before turning and heading up to her dormitory.

James stood at the foot of the stairs for a little while, thinking about that soft hug. Suddenly he smiled goofily and raced up the stairs to share the news.

Apparently, Lily didn't hate him so much after all.


	2. Green Eyes

**A/N: I need someone who's willing to talk to me about my story (preferably several people) so that I can go over the details of the plot and get some help smoothing things out. Also, I need someone who will help me with the grammar, which is something I'm pretty bad at. HELP WANTED.**

Chapter 2

Sirius and Remus were both lying down on their beds, reading Quidditch magazines and waiting for James to return from his patrol duties. They lay in repose, both seemed to give off an air of cool indifference. However, Peter's actions across from the two of them gave a more accurate tableau as to how they actually were feeling.

Peter was sitting on the edge of his bed, twitching nervously every so often and leaping up to pace back and forth a few feet before abruptly sitting back down again. After repeating this a few times, he shuffled over to the dresser and opened it, apparently searching for something, but found nothing in the top drawer and so then proceeded to open the second drawer, and continued down until he was on the bottom drawer.

Sirius raised his eyebrows slightly at this behaviour, but inside himself, he felt just as jumpy and felt as if he'd like to explode. He kept having to remind himself that it was none of his business about Lily and James. It shouldn't matter to him if they were off wandering alone together around the whole school for several hours. None of his business. He had to leave well enough alone since James was obviously trying to get over her-

Suddenly the door burst open and James hurtled in, looking slightly flushed and with his eyes wide like those of a startled deer. He looked around the room at his best friends and sighed heavily, very obviously trying not to be too obvious. Clearing his throat he asked, «What have you guys been up to?» His voice was strained and slightly high pitched, as if it had been stretched out like a rubber band. Without waiting for a reply, he sat down on his bed and removed his robes and shoes and started to jiggle his leg animatedly.

James couldn't believe that Lily had just willingly hugged him, and now he couldn't contain his eagerness to win her over completely. _Yea, and get her to dump that idiot John._ He felt a deep restlessness in his bones that made him want to go and do something grand and heroic and extremely difficult in order to impress her with his intelligence and bravery. But then again, he was also attempting to appear mature, and all the ideas that were popping up in his mind were much too childish. He lay back on the mattress and sighed with content. Thoughts were flying through his head at a terrifying speed. Maybe she liked him as more than a friend. Maybe he was finally going to get her to be his.

Remus snapped his magazine open and shut several times. He watched his best friend's face, slightly puckered in an attempt to hide how he was feeling. Remus brushed his hair out of his eyes, a nervous habit that he now repeated twice before realising what he was doing and abruptly dropping his hand to his side to clench it into a fist. «So…how'd it go?»

Sirius and Peter's heads snapped up in tandem, their eyes burning with a desire to know what the hell had happened. Sirius watched as James stared at the ceiling, knowing that he would be unable to keep it to himself for too long. That was James: loyal and open.

James hesitated and flipped over onto his stomach. He put his head down on the pillow, angled away from his friends as he tried not to sound too eager.

«It was good. She was nice.» After a long silence he added, «At the end, she hugged me.» Sighing, he said softly, as if to himself, «But she's got a boyfriend. She's not mine for me to want, you know?» James leaned back onto his pillow, clasping his hands infront of his face and stretching his arms out, trying to sound nonchalant. He looked over at his three friends, all watching him with pity written on their faces. Looking away, he frowned and interlocked his fingers, stretching them towards the canopy of his bed, as if holding something up.

Remus looked pained. «James, I-»

«No, Remus. I know. It's fine that she's dating someone else.» James let out a breathy sigh. «I guess I just have to wait a little longer.»

break 

The next morning in the Great Hall, tensions were high and hopes were up. Lily had spent most of the night pondering her relationship with John. It had only been two weeks, and they hadn't even gone on a date. It seemed as though it were more of a surface relationship. She felt like something of a trophy wife, or atleast, trophy girlfriend. He loved to hold her hand in public and hug her and kiss her while everyone was watching; he reveled in other people's attention. Lily doubted that he even liked her that much. Just this morning, when he had come to get her from the Gryffindor Common Room, he had made a big show of his «good morning kiss» and had insisted on wrapping his arms around her as they entered the Great Hall. Even now, as they sat at the Ravenclaw table eating breakfast, he held onto her like a leech, and she was beginning to feel him sucking away her patience.

But Lily didn't want such a one dimensional relationship. She longed for something deep and romantic. She dreamed of a boy that would come and sweep her off her feet and make her fall helplessly in love. That was her greatest weakness; she was a sucker for any corny love story that she heard. Of course, James had always tried to do that, but he had only annoyed her. She had never felt 'sparks of passion' for him. More like 'sparks of hatred.'

Yet now as she went over last night's patrol session, she realized with a slight shock that there was a very fine line between passion and hatred, and that really, the opposite of love was not hate, but indifference.

So why the hell was she dating someone she couldn't care less about?

break 

James twitched impatiently, sitting in the back of his Transfiguration class, watching as Lily copied down notes from the board behind Professor McGonagall's head. Usually he paid close attention to Transfiguration because he enjoyed it, but right now, with yesterday evening's events first and foremost on his mind, he couldn't concentrate. He heard Sirius hiss beside him, and leaned over, still keeping his gaze focused on Lily.

«James, mate, what are we going to do when the full moon comes 'round?» Sirius grinned cheekily. «Will the Marauders go gallivanting, or will Prongs have to be left behind for patrolling?»

This issue took all of James' attention, and he smirked over at Sirius. «Well, Padfoot, I'll have to ask yonder red-headed maiden if I can skip a night.»

The strange nicknames were not as unfounded as one might think. James was immensely talented at Transfiguration, and several years back, upon learning that Remus was a werewolf, he and Sirius, along with some of the blundering help of Peter, had worked until they had become Animagi. All three boys were now capable of transforming into a specific animal. He was a stag, hence the nickname Prongs, while Sirius was a shaggy black dog, therefore being named Padfoot. Peter was not so fortunate; when he transformed, he became a straggly rat, and his unflattering appearance earned him the name of Wormtail. Remus was given the name Moony, for obvious reasons, and the four gave themselves the group name of the Marauders, and wandered the grounds on a monthly basis, familiarizing themselves with all of the Hogwarts grounds.

Sirius lips turned up in a wickedly handsome smile. «Excellent,» he hissed out. «We're gonna have _fun_.» With that said, he turned his attention back to flirting with a girl sitting in front of him, and James went back to watching Lily.

_Yes, we are._

break 

Lunch hour had arrived at last. Lily sighed in relief. She was exhausted by her Head Girl duties; she had never realized how much effort it took to lead the students or help out anyone who was confused or upset. She had begged off sitting with John, claiming she had work to do, and that sitting with him was distracting her. He had looked disappointed, but what could he say?

Lily proceeded towards the far end of the Gryffindor table, looking for a seat where she could be left alone. Finding one section relatively empty, she sat down contentedly and started eating.

Lily was not usually an anti-social person, but most of her friends had been in older years, and now she found herself alone more often than not. She didn't mind, she had enough confidence to sit by herself and be relaxed, and anyways, she couldn't stand most of the girls in her years. There were four other girls in her year, and they were obnoxious, gossiping little pricks who had nothing better to do than scrounge up nasty pieces of information on you and spread them around. The four girls, Paige, Amanda, Mari, and Ebie were awful, no doubt about it. No matter whether what they said was true or not, they were backstabbing bitches and that was that.

_Well, speak of the devil, _though Lily. _It's Paige, Queen of the Stupid Girls Club, surrounded by her courtiers. There goes my nice, solitary lunch. _Angrily, she picked up her bag and left quickly through the crowd, trying to avoid being seen by Paige. Lily knew that Paige liked John quite a bit, and she was most likely out hunting for Lily in order to win him back. Lily definitely wanted to avoid a scuffle and darted outside the Hall, looking back in relief. Good, she hadn't been seen.

«Oof- watch it!»

Lily blushed, sprawled out on the ground, her books and robes in disarray. Stammering apologies she bent onto her hands and knees, trying not to look up. Why oh WHY wasn't she more careful? She struggled to get her flaming red cheeks under control before looking up to see who she had run into, but there was no need.

«Well, little Mudblood, looks as though you need a lesson in manners.»

She stiffened, and plunged her hand into her robes, reaching for her wand. Shit! Where was it? She could have sworn she'd put it in her robe pocket.

Above her, Severus Snape laughed disgustedly.

«Looking for this?»

Lily looked up slowly, dreading what she would see. She looked Snape square in the eye, watching as he twirled her wand lazily in his long, disgustingly pale fingers.

«Give it back, Snape,» she said, keeping her voice calm and even, as though talking to a wild animal that was liable to go beserk at any moment.

«And why should I, my dear _mudblood_?» Snape hissed in his disgusting voice, and Lily thought that she just might get sick.

«Because, _Snivellus, _I don't think you'd want the Marauders after you from here to eternity, am I right?» James had come out of nowhere, stepping out from behind Snape, with Sirius, Remus, and Peter standing right behind him. He looked brave and intimidating, emanating authority and power.

Snape opened his mouth in fury, but nothing came out. Looking as though he'd like to shoot someone, he angrily tossed Lily's wand at her. She caught it, and he turned on his heel and stormed off.

Lily sighed in relief. «Thanks.» She couldn't say anything else. She looked up at James and smiled. «Rather silly of me to be so careless, I should have watched where I was heading.»

James grinned down at her and proffered a hand, which she accepted.

break 

Late in the evening, James and Lily were back to patrolling the dark halls of the castle. Occasionally they spoke to each other, but they mostly studiously avoided confrontation, prefering instead to chance glances, blushing when their eyes met. The awkwardness of their newfound goodwill towards each other (atleast, Lily's newfound goodwill) had made James deliriously happy.

He couldn't help but marvel at how easy it was to walk along in silence. He didn't feel the need to impress her anymore, and he almost liked that there was discomfort. It meant that she knew something was going on, right? Right? He had to know. All night long they had talked about the most trite and banal topics, careful of not stepping over the line of polite conversation. But there was no more skirting around the issue any longer.

«Lily?»

She snapped her head so that she could gaze straight at him. Her eyes were so miraculously pure in color, that he drowned in them for a moment before continuing on his path to reckless abandonment.

«You know that I still like you, right?» Despite the wording and tone of voice, it was more of a statement than a question. They both knew that he liked her. Now that it had been said aloud, though, the only thing left to be asked was if she liked him. Oh dear Agrippa, he wanted for her to like him _so badly._

She lowered her head to the ground before turning back to look at him again. Their eyes met once more and she opened her mouth slightly. There was a hesitant pause and James was about to say something when she spoke.

«Yes, I do.»

break 

Lily kept looking straight on at James. Her face was a little defiant, and that brave, forward gaze stayed trained on his face, watching for a reaction.

She didn't understand why it had taken her so long to recognize how wonderful he looked. She had always insisted that it was hormones and group mentalities that had lead nearly all the girls in Hogwarts to throw themselves postrate at his and Sirius' feet. But now that she had studied him closely several times, she was forced to admit that he was, for lack of a better term, _fucking hot. _

She was tempted to grab his hand, hidden in the pocket of his robes, and pull him in close. She wanted him, alright. It had been an unexpected change. In just two nights, she had gone from no feelings to heavy, powerful feelings, as if she had been in a stopped car and was now hurtling down a freeway at lightspeed.

The fact that they were walking alone and late at night had a lot to do with it. Yesterday, after the first patrol, when they had reached the Astronomy tower, the thought _romantic _had leapt into her mind, unbidden and unstoppable. The sparkling stars and beautiful view had made her weak in the knees, and James had further fueled her desire for a Prince Charming.

She knew it was wrong to like James; she was dating someone else! But nevertheless, she still did, and she didn't want to be a coward and not tell him. Life was for the living, not the lifeless.

So she begged in her mind, _please, please, please._

Except, she wasn't sure of what exactly she was pleading for. What did she want? Him, yes, but mostly, she wanted to feel accepted.

_Please._

break 

James took a deep breath. It had been easier than expected, asking her if she knew. The silence afterwards, however, was heavy and leaden with questions he was burning to ask. Did he dare ask her if she liked him back?

Well, he might as well go for the full monty.

He took a deep breath, ready to take the plunge, when he reeled back in shock as she began to speak.

«You know, I -I kind of like you too.» She wasn't looking at him now. Instead, she was staring at her feet, walking hurriedly and moving ahead. She jerkily pushed open the doorway to a classroom, checking for students. In reality, she was trying to hide her burning face. She couldn't believe that she'd just said that.

Lily tensed when she heard him laugh. It was a beautiful laugh, choky and full, a littly coarse, and slightly angry. She hung her head in shame. She deserved that. James had been persistent in attempts to win her affection, and only now that she was off limits did she let him in. It was cruel of her, and she knew that.

«You have lousy timing.» His voice was harsh, a little bitter, but there was a tinge of satisfaction written in there as well. He laughed again, and strode forward purposefully, and gripped her arm, pulling her around to face him. «Do you know that?»

She looked up at him and bit her lip. «Yes.»

The frankness of her gaze surprised him, and he nodded quietly and still holding her arm, they walked up to the Astronomy tower.

Somewhere along the way, her hand slipped into his.

break 

James was bewilderedly happy. Upon returning from their patrol, at the foot of the stairs Lily and he had embraced, and this time she had pulled herself up, letting her breath fly hot onto his neck as she brought her arm around his neck so that the inside of her elbow touched him.

They had stood there like that for a full five minutes, until she had suddenly pulled away and dashed up the stairs. Again, like the night before she had turned around before reaching the top.

This time, unlike the last, she had smiled, a curvaceous, secret smile that had filled him simultaneously with warmth and a slight pang of fear.

That smile had seemed to ask him, _can you keep a secret?_

Could he?

Review Responses 

**Greengrl: haha, I like that you like that he gets excited. I wasn't sure if that was really realistic, but oh well…**

**Celina Black: I read your story! Its cute, really! You're on my faves list, I remember reading your story before and being all ooh this is good. LOL. Thnx for the advice on reviews, by the way.**

**Daman5: yea, I'm not sure if I can keep up with all my grammar, so if you could just keep checking that, I'd reaaally appreciate it. I spell checked this as well, so if I missed something, you'll have to tell me.**

**Alex C. Potter: It's updated now!**

**Hpjsr: haha, same response, it's updated now!**

**Darkbird1345: same thing, yet again!**

**REVIEWthose little comments that you leave make me all tingly inside.**

**Just no flames please!**


	3. If We Never Go Inside

Chapter 3

The rest of the week flew by, and Lily found herself surprised when she woke up on Saturday morning. The days had arrived all too quickly. She had been so caught up in the whirlwind of discovering her feelings for James that the first week of school had rushed by, and now she found herself facing her first date with John.

Most definitely not looked forward to.

She sighed and ignored the jumble of thoughts in her head, all of which gave conflicting views on how to handle her mixed emotions. She lay back and relaxed, tilting her head to the left so that she could look out of the window.

The sky was a beautiful, clear shade of robin's egg blue. From up in Gryffindor tower, that was all that she could see by just looking out from her bed. It made her depressed, really, thinking to herself that the only way that she could look now was down.

Quickly, she swung her long, pale legs out from underneath the covers and placed her elbows on her knees, head on her hands. Feeling lightheaded, she stayed like that for a while, keeping her eyes focused on the bone jutting out both of her knee joints, staring at them, slightly repulsed by the image. Her lips were slightly open, with short, unsteady bursts of breath coming out sporadically. She felt like she was half dead.

Lily knew that if she didn't get moving, she would stay in bed all day. She pushed herself out of the tangle of comforter and sheets and headed for the door, picking up a bathrobe along the way and slipped her feet into some white flip-flops, yawning and scratching her head. She glanced at the clock, reading the time.

8:47

It was late; she had missed breakfast with John. Lily looked around the empty room and grabbed a parchment and quill, writing out a quick message to him.

_John, _

_I'm sorry, but I've woken up only now and need to take a bath. I don't want to keep you waiting; I'll meet you at the Three Broomsticks at 11:30 in Hogsmeade._

_Lily_

With a quick charm, she sent it flying off for the Great Hall looking for John and grabbed her bag of toiletries. She then walked out the door and down the stairs to the common room, wanting to take a nice bath in the Head's bathroom.

Rushing down the corridor, she reached the Head Girl's bathroom. Muttering the password ("Aquavenous"), she slipped inside the portrait of a siren and let out a soft sigh of appreciation. Now this was luxury.

The bathroom was floored entirely with marble, and the sinks were marble as well. One half of the floor was a full body shower, while the other side had a huge sunken bath with many taps, much like the Prefect's bathroom.

Lily looked from the shower to the bath, unable to decide which to use, before finally settling on the shower. She kicked off her flip-flops and tossed her bathrobe off to the side and wriggled out of her blue, baggy shirt. All she had on now was her light pink boy cut panties, and wearing these, she turned on the shower before turning to look at herself in the full length mirror that stood propped up against the wall.

With her head leaning slightly to the side, she gave herself the once over, starting with her hips, down her legs (not bad, a little wide in the thighs, but nice calves), up to her chest (hopeless, nearly nonexistent), and to her shoulders and neck (slender, nice enough), to her face and hair.

Ah, the hair. Lily had found that her hair both repulsed and drew her in by turns, depending on how she felt. When she was happy, her hair glowed and sparkled vivaciously, and she loved the deep color. When she was depressed or worried or anything besides content, like now, she cursed her hair, feeling as if it were the color of blood, rusty and harsh against the paleness of her unblemished skin. Even when she was tan the rigid difference between her skin and hair was grating to her eyes. She dropped her eyes to her own shoulder, not her reflection, and looked at the hair that fell half way down her chest, thinking, rather morbidly, that it looked as if she were oozing copious amounts of blood from her head.

Disgusted by her own self-pity, she stripped off her underwear and opened the door to the shower, and was at once greeted by a cloud of steam. Smiling at the warm, enveloping feeling, she left the door open so as not to choke on all the thick air and soaked her hair. Sitting down on the floor of the large shower (it must have been the size of at the very least three or four regular sized showers) she brought her knees to her chest and hugged them close, putting her right cheek on the top of her legs. The floor underneath her was rough and made up of many small tiles of rock, placed slightly unevenly. She felt immensely naked because of the vastness of the shower, but the heavy steam managed to keep her warm, like a heavy blanket.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there like that, but it felt comforting, and she didn't want to leave.

It was eleven now, and Lily was finally ready to head out for Hogsmeade. She'd sat in the shower for nearly an hour and a half and had only spent the last fifteen minutes getting dressed. Rather haphazardly, she'd pulled on a pair of over size jeans, her scruffy black studded motorcycle boots underneath and her favorite white t-shirt under old black jacket. She hoped that she didn't look too much like a hobo.

Before heading back out of her dorm again, she looked back around her room, and her eyes lighted on her wallet. Hurriedly, she reached out and grabbed it before racing out and slamming the door shut behind her.

She reached Hogsmeade in twenty minutes, and as she entered the Three Broomsticks, she felt all eyes, at least, all male eyes, turn towards her. It was always like this. Her vivid hair attracted a lot of attention, all of it unwanted. Keeping her head down and eyes averted, she walked towards the bar, occasionally looking up to see if she could spot John.

Or James. Preferably James actually. Because with him, she didn't feel the need to act so terribly fake.

John sat by himself, towards the very back corner of the restaurant. He had seen Lily walk in, and now he waited for a good moment to walk up to her. His eyes were shadowed slightly by the odd lighting, and he decided to wait for a few more minutes before speaking with his girlfriend.

He felt immensely lucky to be going out with Lily, the girl of many of her male classmate's and underclassmen's dreams. It was a large part of the reason why he'd asked her out. He enjoyed the jealous attention he received when he walked down the hall by her side, and he liked the feeling of superiority it gave him.

Yes, it was shallow, but who cared? It wasn't like this was going to last for very long anyways. Once he shagged her, what else would there be to do? Give or take a couple months, but this relationship wouldn't last past March.

He was seventeen for Merlin's sake.

"Lily!"

Quickly, she spun around, recognizing John's voice.

"Hey! My gosh, I'm so sorry for having to change the time to now, but I was so tired that I didn't wake up until nine-ish, and I wanted a long bath, you know?" She looked up at him, a guilty look in her eyes.

This is your boyfriend, remember? 

«That's alright. But I have to tell you, I've got to go at 12:30; my Quidditch captain scheduled a practice today, and he only told us this morning.» He glanced over at her. «You don't mind, do you?»

Lily shrugged, slightly relieved that she only had to spend an hour with John. Their conversations were becoming increasingly monotonous, filled mostly with the kind of pleasant chatter that was filled with silly details, the kind of information that had no relevance whatsoever.

Inwardly, she sighed, thanking Merlin for Quidditch and the many practices it required.

The Marauders were waiting outside of the Three Broomsticks for Sirius' date Anna to come out of the washroom. It had been an excessively annoying afternoon, mostly spent walking ahead of Sirius and Anna, trying desperately to tune out the inane giggles made by the girl.

James wondered what the hell Sirius was wasting his time with the girl for. James knew that Sirius didn't really like Anna, and it was annoying that Sirius would just date any available girl as long as they were pretty enough.

_At least they're available, and not dating someone else._

This thought rang through his head as though it were made by a particularly large bell, pealing out in waves, mocking him.

_Don't think about that, _he thought to himself. _Lily likes you. She'll come around. _

Well, speak of the Devil.

Exiting the small bar was Lily. She was walking out right behind John, who was holding the door open for her. She looked marvelously disinterested in whatever he was saying, but turned around and kissed him on the cheek before waving a dismissive hand of goodbye. John then turned and walked away, back up to Hogwarts, while Lily, with her back turned away from James, relaxed. He watched in interest as she slumped her shoulders in apparent relief.

James stalked over, his hands in his jean pockets and for some reason, incredibly nervous.

«Lily.»

The speed with which she turned around was astonishing. When her eyes met his, both of them felt a spark of delight and warmth travel through their bodies.

«What are you doing here?» she asked. Her hair was being pushed away from her face by the wind, her cheeks whipped into a slight pink. Her lips were a deep cherry, and her eyes, so startlingly, arrestingly green, were wide with delight.

He smiled down at her and said, "Right now, I'm here because I want to be with you."

For the past few nights, they had patrolled together, always finishing at the Astronomy tower with rushed- she wasn't sure what actually. Not hugs, that sounded too mundane. Their embraces were more panicked and frenzied than that. Clutching at each other, always, their hands drifting up and down each other's backs, up to their hair, down each others' lower backs and in his case, down to her bottom, softly appreciating and learning each others' bodies without actually doing anything else. However, it seemed much more erotic than sex because it was always done in near silence, with their short, gasping breaths the only noise in the background.

Lily flushed a deeper shade of red, pleasantly surprised by the intimacy of his comment. She whispered, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

His smile widened, his teeth flashing in a beautiful contrast against the relatively tan skin of his face. "Yea, that would be nice." He looked over his shoulder at his friends. "Oy! Sirius! I'm heading off; I'll see you later." Without waiting for a reply he took Lily by the elbow and steered her away towards the road that lead to the Shrieking Shack.

Lily gaped at him in surprise. "Why are you headed this way? This house is haunted-"

James stopped her in the middle of her sentence. "No, it's not. Trust me. But I want to be left alone, and this is the best place to sit by ourselves with no one watching." He turned abruptly into a small clearing in the woods that Lily had not even noticed, and would probably walked right past without knowing where James had disappeared to had he not pulled her in along with him.

He let go of her arm, and shoved his hands back into his pockets, watching her nervously as she looked around.

The small area was surrounded completely by trees, and was well secluded. The leafy foliage that hid the pair was thick and woven together tightly. Lily liked that it was so well hidden. She felt safe here, alone with just James.

Lily turned back to James again, feeling his eyes on her. She trained her eyes on his lips, then up his nose to his eyes, and then back down to his lips again.

She hadn't kissed him yet. She'd been much too terrified to do so, partly because if she did so, it would be like she was admitting that this whole terrible mess was really happening. She was really cheating on her boyfriend, something that she wanted to avoid, and simultaneously, wanted to do very, very badly.

But now, looking at him standing across from him, she knew that she wanted, more than anything, to kiss him. Lily wanted James to know that she wanted him.

Walking slowly, crossing the distance between them cautiously, she approached him, twisting her fingers nervously in front of her chest.

They were only a few inches apart now, half a foot at the most. She could smell him, that distinctly strong scent: not sharp, but solid, crisp, and cool, evoking a feeling almost as if she were running her hands over a smooth piece of flint under the shade of a tree. She could picture herself, when she was so close beside him, breathing in his smell, in a place that was exotic, perhaps under a waterfall. She trembled now, thinking about that. She was going crazy, and it was because of him.

_I don't mind then, if he's the reason why I'm losing my mind._

Slowly, with trembling fingers she placed her arms around his neck. James didn't move; he let her do what she wanted. When he stayed still, she moved her arms still closer around him and reached up, with her head to the right of his. Tilting her head over so that she could see his neck, she found herself presented, merely an inch away, with an expanse of his tantalizing, warm skin. Without further hesitation, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his neck, just a simple, delicate kiss, her lips against his skin, and kept them there for a moment before pulling away.

She was gasping, and so was he. He had his arms around her waist, his hands on her lower back.

_Remember this. Remember this moment. Think about how this feels._

The air around her face was cool and refreshing, she felt light and slightly invigorated by the feeling of his skin. Her head was spinning with pleasure and she felt as if she might faint. The smells around her had also become more poignant; everything around her had changed. Her senses had been heightened exponentially.

Leaning back in she kissed his neck again. And again.

They could take this slowly because they had all the time in the world. They could savor this, and take the kind of pleasure in it that neither of them had had before.

It felt good to be alive.

James couldn't believe it. Despite the many other heated kisses he'd shared with girls, none were on par with this simple kiss, just her lips against his neck. It was barely even a real kiss, and yet it meant so much more.

He could hardly breath; this was _Lily, _the one he'd wanted for years.

She was kissing his neck more deeply now, slowly, painfully, and he couldn't bare to not kiss her himself.

His breaths were harsh, and he willed himself to move. He moved his hands up her back to shoulders to her neck, where he carefully tilted her head up to him.

There was no pause. He leaned his head forward and down; the gentle pressure of her lips was agonizing. He pulled back again, before dropping a kiss onto her forehead, making a line down to her temple, and from there he started down her cheekbone. Once done that, he kissed her brow bone, placing his hands over her cheeks and his thumbs on either side of her nose.

He left his lips there, breathing against her skin, just appreciating their closeness.

His last kiss he saved, knowing not to spend it freely, and to use it wisely. He kissed her on the mouth again, softly and slowly, savoring it as he would an especially sweet strawberry.

They stayed that way for a long time, venturing into each other's hearts and souls.

**Review Responses:**

**Boy-Crazy Bookworm: Hi, thanks for the review, I've updated, had a bit of trouble, sorry!**

**Mrsjesspotter: Thanks! That's very nice of you. I'm going to put Ch. 4 up before the week is through, I think. I have the idea in my head now, so the rest is easy.**

**Celina Black: Ah! I've read the Shopaholic series, but not Can You Keep a Secret? Ermmm I can't understand your email addy. You just leave it at "" and I don't know which server to email you at!**

**Daman5: haha, thanks for the advice with the squiggles; I used a dash for the breaks. Merci, merci!**

**Hpjsr: Fantastic review, thanks so much. Um, the whole awkward thing was the most fun to write because it happens to me SO OFTEN. Haha, yea, good fun.**

**Alex C. Potter: James got a kiss this time! But it's not all going to be fairy tales…bum bum bum**

**Miss Confidante: Thanks for the John comment, and here's my reasoning behind his lack of development: **

**Lily doesn't care for him, and she doesn't bother to get to know him as anything other than a face. He's not a nice guy, and part of why he is going out with her was explained here, and the rest is coming up!**

**Greengrl: Yup, yup, yup! It's far from realistic, setting-wise, but feelings are the same in everyone! Haha, well they finally kissed! It was actually tres difficult for me to write…not sure why, though.**

**BubbleAngel: This is an interesting comment, because everyone else seems to think that it's moving nice and slow! Please explain. If it's because of Lily's change of feelings, you'll notice that in the first chapter I mentioned that she had already changed most of her feelings for James, and that she thought him nice and mature.**

**PalinPotter: Haha, don't worry, I'm continuing!**

**Jkreviewer: Thanks for the help, I'll check out that story, thanks!**


	4. Set Phasers to Stun

A/N: Sorry for the long delay, but I've been away on Spring Break and there was no way for me to get this thing done, as it was on my home computer. Hopefully Chapter 5 will be done in the next few days.

Chapter 4

Several weeks had passed, each day passing at an agonizingly slow rate as opposed to the first week's great rushes of time. Lily woke up each morning aching for the last night and for today's evening so that she could be alone with James. The need for secrecy and inconspicuousness gave their stolen midnight kisses an added thrill that made her shiver down to her toes.

As she sat in the Great Hall of Friday morning eating breakfast beside John, she looked up several times to chance glances at James. He sat with the Marauders, his head pushed forward slightly, his hair just as ruffled as ever, speaking with Remus.

Truth be told, Lily felt lost in this tsunami of emotion that had crashed down around her so suddenly a few weeks ago. She couldn't discern how she truly felt; everything just buzzed around in her mind, making her feel as if she were constantly spinning. Closing her eyes, she summoned up the image of James.

He was so handsome. Her lips curved up as she pictured him standing in the moonlight on their nightly patrols. Her heart fluttered softly with excitement and she relaxed.

Reopening her eyes, she looked for him again, and found herself faced with a rather unpleasant sight.

Paige had, during Lily's space out session, wandered over to where the Marauders were seated, and was presently leaning over James and flipping her blasted hair all over the place.

This prompted Lily to examine Paige closely. Her hair was a weaker version of Lily's intense red, a watered down muddy red brown, but was still very shiny. Her features were regular, giving the impression of a pretty face, but her eyes were very beautiful. They were an odd gray blue, and Lily couldn't help but wonder if Paige had used a charm to make them that color.

James laughed at whatever Paige had been saying, which further irritated Lily. She watched with squinted eyes as James continued to chat amicably with Paige. Lily was shocked, however, when James suddenly turned in his seat, meeting her eyes directly and cocked his head to indicate the doors out of the Great Hall.

_Right now? _Lily gaped at him before hurriedly nodding and, finishing her toast, began to collect her books and stuff them back haphazardly into her bag.

"Lily, where are you going? Breakfast only just started!" John looked up at her in confusion as she got up from the table, whipping back to stare at her boyfriend in obvious annoyance.

Breathing out a slight _huff _of air, Lily glanced back towards the Gryffindor table. She watched as James got up to go to leave, and became increasingly agitated.

"I have to go take care of Head business. Don't worry about it. I'll see you later." Without a glance back she rushed out, following James, and left John behind her.

(break)

James walked out the doors that lead to outside of Hogwarts and stood in the courtyard, waiting impatiently for Lily. He had his hands in the pockets of his robes and stared out at the lake, fidgeting his hands slightly and shaking them every so often.

He whirled around when he heard someone come outside, knowing perfectly well that it was Lily.

She was breathless, and he felt his heart wrench slightly as he watched her try to calm down, her chest heaving slightly as she walked more slowly towards him and dropped her bag on the ground along the way.

They were only six inches apart now, and heartbreakingly close. It was killing him; he was so tantalizingly near to her, watching her brights eyes which were so terribly inviting.

He stepped closer, hesitating slightly. He pulled her towards him slowly, and his breath was warm and soft against her ear. He started to kiss her neck gently, leaving a line of kisses up her throat to up along her jaw. He pushed her vivid hair off her shoulders and pulled away.

Lily leaned into him and smiled shyly.

He started when she did this and pulled further away, although he reached out to place his hands on her hips

"We should probably go somewhere slightly more discreet." He looked down at her with a cheeky smile. "The common rooms, maybe?"

She laughed, feeling so much lighter now that she was with him. "Alright. Maybe your dorms would be better though. Don't want someone to walk in on us." She gave him a sly look and turned, picking up her bag along the way.

James' grin broadened and he followed her. He hurried in order to draw level with her, and the pair walked side by side towards Gryffindor Tower.

(break)

Remus and Sirius stared as James left the room abruptly, soon followed by Lily.

Sirius shook his head side to side in disbelief. "I can't stand it! They're fucking all over each other! I can't believe they haven't shagged yet."

Remus cocked an eyebrow at his friend. "Just because they like each other doesn't mean they have to shag _right away." _He looked away and stared off into the distance. "Besides, I don't think that James is especially eager to shag any time soon. Especially not after the _last _fiasco."

Sirius shook his head from side to side, looking angry now. "That bitch. God, I hate her." He began to mutter incoherently under his breath.

Remus sighed in exhaustion. "He only liked Paige because she looked like, well…Lily. We all knew that: and he knew Paige knew that too. Not to say that what she did was right, but she was understandably upset."

Sirius glanced back up at Remus. "Do you think that Lily's still a virgin? I wonder how James would take it if she weren't."

"It would most definitely not be taken well." Remus put his head down into his hands. "He thinks that now that they're together, he should have every part of her. You know how he's like."

Yes, they both knew what James was like. He was loyal, he was proud, a natural leader, and immensely intelligent. He had an anti-lying complex, and he was also incredibly open with his feelings. Sometimes, that wasn't the best thing.

"Do you think James told Lily what happened with Paige?"

Remus groaned. "Somehow, I seriously doubt it. And somehow, I think he will- and very soon."

(break)

James and Lily entered the common room together and immediately began to kiss each other at an urgent tempo, both unwilling and afraid to let the other go. They stumbled towards the stairs of the boys' dormitories.

Hurrying upwards, the two reached the seventh year's dorms with James slightly in front and holding Lily's hand as they crashed against the door. Reaching frantically behind him, he managed to grab hold of the doorknob as Lily began to kiss him again and the door swung forward with a resounding crash as it hit the wall behind it. James and Lily nearly fell over and broke apart again.

Lily looked at James, with his lean, muscular frame, dark against the light of the lamp. He was eerily shadowed, the glow of the light colored the scarlet walls with a golden glow, illuminating everything around the lamp and nightstand.

It was hard to believe that only a little more than a month ago, she hadn't cared for him. How quickly things changed!

James stood tall and took a deep breath. His shoulders lifted and fell with his exhale, and he hesitated before pulling her against him.

He attempted to steady his breathing, and suddenly asked, "Lily, have you ever slept with anyone before?

As soon as the words had left his mouth, the pair simultaneously turned bright red.

"I-I-" Lily stopped speaking, with fear evident in her eyes. She suddenly got up and went to the door. Turning around she muttered, "We have to go to class." She suddenly spun around again and left the room without waiting, leaving James behind her, his face now blanched and his nostrils slightly flared. He looked around for his books quickly and darted out of the room without closing the door behind him.

(break)

Sirius watched as James and Lily hurried in to the Transfiguration classroom. Her face was down and unreadable. But James on the other hand…

His face betrayed no emotion, except for a slightly tense jaw. As he approached the table that Sirius sat at, his friend looked into James' unseeing eyes, and was shocked by the level of fear was there. There was something else too. Something cracked and sparked with animosity and jealousy, giving his eyes a cold, hard glint.

Sirius turned away with a shiver of fear and turned to Remus, who sat beside him. Remus was watching James as well, and looked obviously disturbed by the look in James' eye.

Remus turned to Sirius now, and gave him a significant look.

_What the hell? _

(break)

James sat impatiently in his chair, looking down at his wristwatch every few minutes. It was History of Magic now, and he was bored out of his mind. Lunch was next, and he was eager to go relax outside by the lake and get some time to think on his own.

Suddenly, Professor Binns said, "Class Dismissed!" and James jerked his head up, his hair flopping into his eyes. He whipped out of his desk and rushed out of the doors, hurrying outside.

He'd avoided looking at Lily all morning. He wasn't sure if he could handle it. The look on her face that morning had made it infinitely clear that she had slept with someone before, and while he had as well, for some reason, he was disappointed.

_Admit it, you had hopes. Don't kid yourself. You wanted to be her first. _

The one thing that James hated most was a coward.

_So I wanted to be her first, big deal. It's not as if I've never slept with anyone before- and I'm the one who kept pledging my undying affection for her before. I've got her now, and that's all that matters._

But he didn't really. James continued walking until he reached the grassy shores of the lake. Sitting down underneath a large tree, he plunked his books down unceremoniously beside him and gazed out across the blue waters.

The sun had come out, and the bright light reflected across the glassy water, shimmering and dancing in front of his face. A single ray of light seemed to trickle from the sun, a delicate tendril that stretched to flow across James' handsome, tired face and continued on to pool around him as if it were a halo, giving his skin a beautiful, ethereal glow.

The thoughts running through his head, however, were not nearly so ideally picturesque.

He felt as if his mind had become a dark labyrinth that he had to weave through, with dark ideas and images bombarding him and tripping him up and launching themselves at him from every which way.

First and foremost on his mind was Lily. She haunted him, trailed behind his every move, always one step behind him in his head.

James hung his head in the kind of despair and angst that only a hormonal teenager was capable of. He felt terribly unsure of himself. Lily still hadn't broken up with John, and James couldn't help but feel inadequate. What was so difficult or trying about being in a relationship with just him? What did John have that he didn't?

He closed his eyes and vanished into the maze of his mind. He allowed himself to be enveloped by a blanket of nothingness. It was a brief respite from the winding circle of thought he had fallen into step with.

(break)

James did not return for his afternoon class. In fact, no one saw him until supper was over. Once all the plates had cleared away magically, everyone sat around, chatting amicably and gossiping.

Suddenly, the doors swung open and James stumbled in, looking tired and disoriented. His hair was even more disorganized than ever, and his face was pale, making him look ill. The razor sharpness of his cheekbones cast a dark shadow over his gaunt cheeks, and he looked especially haggard. He quickly scanned the tables for his best friends, and upon seeing them, walked over.

He sat down stiffly on the wooden seat, and said in short, clipped words, "I'm going to tell her that we can't be together anymore."

Three jaws dropped simultaneously.

"I'm sick of her fucking with my mind."

If possible, the three jaws dropped even lower.

"Where is she?"

There was no answer.

"Well fine, I'll just tell her on patrol. Which is…now. Okay, see you guys later."

James abruptly left the table, leaving his friends dazed and confused.

"What the FUCK!"

"When has James _ever _said something negative about Lily? Merlin, that was fucking _insane." _

"I don't believe it. It's not true. It was just a temporary hallucination. Yea, that's right. A temporary lapse in sanity."

Remus looked at Sirius. "And there we were thinking he would confess about Paige and win her over and shag and be all happily ever after."

Remus, Sirius, and Peter looked at each other, groaned and said simultaneously, "Yea, right."

(break)

Lily and James walked down the corridor silently. Neither spoke for a long time, merely going through the motions of checking the halls for misbehaving students.

Lily felt immensely cold at this sudden reversion to their behavior from several weeks ago. She shuddered, feeling James' tension imbuing the air surrounding him.

He suddenly turned towards her, grabbing her by the shoulders and rasped out hoarsely, "We can't do this anymore Lily. _I _can't do this. It's not right." His gaze was enormously intense, and she felt as if he were boring holes into her skull, charring her skin and burning through her skull. She imagined herself suddenly burning up, leaving behind nothing except for a small pile of ash.

_What the fuck? Snap out of it. _

James was still talking. "I don't want to talk to you or- or- or be with you if I can help it until you break up with John. But you're Head Girl so we have to get along." His voice had become weaker, and his explanation was becoming longwinded. He sounded nonsensical and slightly maddened. He was no longer looking at her. Instead James was shooting glances up and down the corridor, as if afraid of what he might see on Lily's face.

"Alright."

James jerked in shock. "Alright?"

"Yes, alright. We'll stop." Lily had her eyes on James' face, but somehow he felt as if she were gazing through him, and not at him.

He carefully analyzed her face, and was shocked to see the difference there. He had not taken the time recently to look at her this closely. She was still immensely beautiful, but right now, she looked lackluster. Her eyes were dull and half lidded in exhaustion.

"Good-bye." She removed herself from his grasp and walked quietly down the hall. The only noise came from the tap of her heels on the floor. James watched her head for the dormitories and when she turned the corner and disappeared from his vision, he turned and headed off to finish the patrol.

Somehow, he didn't feel as free as he'd imagined. She still had her spell on him.

(break)

Lily lay half awake in her bed. The maroon drapery that she normally reveled in for their gift of privacy seemed suffocating tonight, and in a fit of activity, she pulled them apart and burst up from her bed and lurched towards the window.

She had used to share this dorm with the rest of the girls in her year, but as Head Girl, she had been allowed to use it on her own.

She appreciated the fact that she could be alone, but right now she felt lonely. Undoing the latch and flinging open the window, she looked out across the grounds and put her chin into her hands with her elbows on the windowsill.

A cold gust of wind blew into the room, whipping around her ankles and flowing up underneath the large t-shirt she was wearing.

Lily felt vulnerable standing there, and she shivered and hunched her shoulders up towards her ears.

She wondered if she would even feel this strong urge for James if she were single. Maybe she only liked him because she wasn't supposed to have him. It would help if she could think up a decent explanation for this sudden, rapid turn of events and emotions since the school year had started. It sickened her slightly, knowing that she could change her feelings on such a whim, so easily and without a backwards glance. The fact that she had disliked James for all these years had slipped away into oblivion after she had seen him again this year. She felt silly and hypocritical. Perhaps it had been a good idea for James to end their non- sort of- semi- kind of- quasi- relationship. Perhaps he had seen for himself how unable she was of making a decision and sticking to it. Perhaps he had lost his respect for her.

Which was fine, because she didn't really deserve it anyways.

**Review Responses:**

**Greengrl: Ah! Yes! Glad that you enjoyed the kiss. I was afraid to make it too stand-outy, but it worked alright in the end. John in so annoying. I agree. I hate him already, and I'm the one writing this damn thing.**

**Hpjsr: I'm glad you liked the shower scene! I really worked hard on that. Hahaha, I grinned like an idiot while WRITING the kissing scene. I am such an idiot.**

**Boy-Crazy-Bookworm: I'm glad you like the story, but your comment got cut off. Please ask whatever it was again!**

**JKR: I looked through it and you're right. I don't know if I should use their ideas though. Kind of plagiarism, you know?**

**Chickenz A Lot: Haha thanks for the bawk, sorry for not updating sooner, but I went away and hadn't finished!**

**Alex C. Potter: Lily will do her best. Since the story is based upon my life, I'll have to see if I take "poetic licensing" with the facts.**

**Daman 5: Thanks very much.**

**Give iN289: Thank you, I'm glad it was pretty! Now here's the next chappie!**

**MrsJessPotter: I'm sorry I let you down! This chapter gave me so much trouble, and I couldn't finish before I left for my trip. **

**Padfoot'sPrettier: Thanks, I'm glad you like my writing.**

**Celina Black: AUUGH I still don't understand your email addy. Is it just supposed to end at "?" I am so mortified.**

**Sarinelini: Hmm, I'm interested, please elaborate! I'd love for you to be my beta! The more betas, the better. I have an explanation as to why things went so fast … coming up below! John is very underdeveloped because I think it's better for him to be barely mentioned. Lily doesn't think of him as a person, she just thinks of him as an object. He is in that way, very wooden and unresponsive to her because she isn't even trying to gauge a reaction.**

**Jasu: I agree with you. Cliché stories suck. I appreciate your compliments!**

**Amber Tinted: I like your poetic riffs! Haha, I hope you don't get tired of my fic.**

**Bondariana: The Much Anticipated Kiss Association's critiques are well received! Thank you! **

**Strawberry'd: I think this story will be longer than I first anticipated to get to a proper finish… like the one you're talking about. No promises!**

**Lady Snowmoon: There will be an explanation for that, since I've gotten this review quite a few times.**

**EmotionalSoul: This story is being kept going!**

**EXPLANATION: OK folksies, here's my reasoning for why the story is moving quickly, emotionally, developmentally, or otherwise: **

**Like I've stated previously, this fic is directly correlated with events that have occurred in my own life. I'm writing it how I saw it. Also, Lily's emotions did not change from hate to love or whatever. She didn't hate him, and she doesn't love him. She'd sort of forgotten to hate him, as I said in my first chap (I think, if I didn't than I'm frightfully sorry), and she got attracted to him. She was just ignoring him, really. Now she has noticed him and feelings have taken flight. No love yet! **

**Developmentally, it's rushing through because that's the way life happens for me. Life rushes by in swoops and drops, catching us off-guard and hurling us into the unknown, which we sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't. It really is all a rollercoaster ride, as that old platitude says, and we're all taking a ride. I will try to slow it down if my readers don't think it makes sense, because I know that the story is very tangled.**

**Thanks.**


	5. Break On Through

**A/N: Here it is! Woo-hoo! Gotta love it. Has anyone here read Sloppy Firsts and/ or Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty? Because I'm addicted. Wow, they are so amazingly spot on with how I feel.**

**Just so you all know…this may become a two-fic piece. It may end up being a lot more complicate than I had planned. So this first fic may end with a lady and the tiger sort of thing. **

**Last note: this chapter has a scene that some of you may find uncomfortable. Lily has sex, and while it's not graphic or anything, it is definitely emotionally different from what is usually presented in fanfics like this. You have chosen to read a piece that is rated M, so you're getting what you ask for. Don't read it if you feel uncomfortable with sex scenes.**

Chapter 5

Lily woke up with a jerk. She opened her eyes and realized with a start just how quickly and unevenly she was breathing.

She had dreamed that she was flying, and suddenly, very terribly she had dropped. She clearly remembered the feeling of her gut dropping, and how suddenly she had stopped. She lay still on her back, breathing deeply, concentrating on how it felt to have her chest rise and fall.

_Just breath, _she thought to herself. _It's OK. Just breath. You can do that much. _

**(break)**

James sat up in his bed, leaning his head up against the backboard. The odd angle of his neck to his back (his head upright, his back slouched and not aligned) was giving him pain, but he didn't move. He stared down at his hands on his covers. They were interlocked and he fiddled his thumbs on top of his clasped fingers.

He still wanted Lily so badly. He knew that for a fact; he would never try to deny it, especially not to himself. There was no way in hell, though, that he was going to be the third wheel and fuck around with someone else's girlfriend. He had more pride than that.

Right?

Oh Merlin, I am so fucking stupid. Why the hell did I end it?

He steeled himself against the ache of his chest and closed his eyes, his hands now separated and balled into tight fists, gripping the covers. His face tilted up and he grimaced.

You wanted her to tell you not to. You wanted her to beg for you.

Fool. Lily would never beg.

**(break)**

Lily walked into the dining hall a little later than usual, and started walking towards her usual spot next to John. She kept her gaze focused solely on John, being careful not to look towards James. She didn't think she could deal with seeing him being so carefree, especially when she cared too much for him.

She sat down next to her boyfriend silently, without saying a greeting.

"How are you? How was your sleep?" John smiled at her gently.

It wasn't as if John were a bad boyfriend. He didn't bother her, and all they'd done was kiss casually since they'd started going out. The problem was the whole situation lacked any sort of passion whatsoever. It didn't make her feel any better knowing that the person that she did feel any sort of passion for whatsoever was sitting within a hundred feet of her.

OK, that was it.

She got up from the table and, ignoring John's protests, walked straight over to the Gryffindor table. She started down the long table, walking until she reached James.

Sirius and Remus, sitting across from James, looked up at Lily in shock. James turned around to see what was bothering his friends and jumped slightly when he saw who was behind him.

With his face scrunched slightly in consternation, he said, "Erm…Lily you realize your boyfriend is … over there? And… well…"

She pointed to the vacant seat beside him. "May I sit there?"

James looked at her for a long, long time. "It's empty." His voice was lower now, huskier, making her stiffen, reminding her of his shallow breathing whenever they kissed. "Go ahead."

She lowered herself slowly onto the seat. She started to fill her plate quickly and sat calmly across from Remus. As she ate, she carefully and deliberately refrained from saying a single thing to the Marauders, although she spoke with several other students sitting nearby.

James sat stiffly, as rigid as a board, and sat perfectly still with his hand still wrapped around his fork, hovering over his plate. His eyes stared fixedly at a small part of his pancakes that he had been about to eat.

What the heck was she doing? She was making him feel so distracted; she was too mesmerizing. He was supposed to be letting her go and here she was in front of him, close enough to wrap his arms around her. He sat and watched her talk with the rest of the Gryffindors, watching her talk about school and silly things. Her back was to him, and for that he was grateful. He admired the slope of her slim shoulders and the beautiful red hair that coursed down her back like a waterfall.

Without warning, and without hesitation, Lily suddenly turned around and looked at James.

He was caught off guard and jerked back slightly, as if frightened that she might hit him.

Her lips curved up into a smile and she looked at him dead on. For several seconds they just sat there watching each other and Lily felt herself warming up under the gaze of his dark, intense eyes.

Lily moved every so slightly so that her leg was fully pressed up against his. She put her hand on his knee, a little innocent gesture, that right now, was too much for him to handle without saying something about it.

"Lily- don't."

She kept her face trained on his, and watched him without a trace of emotion on her face.

"I wasn't doing anything." Her voice was cool and even, distant and detached. "I wasn't doing anything at all." With that, she got up and left.

**(break)**

James sat there for a moment, trying to process what had happened, what she had said to him. And then, he ran out the hall after her.

"Lily!"

She turned around so fast that it was gratifying. She'd wanted him to follow her all right.

"Lily- oh, shit." He raised his hands to his forehead, and pressed his palms into his eyes, fingers barely threaded through his scruffy black hair. "I can't believe this. It's been what, ten hours since I told you that I didn't want to be with you? Fuck, ten lousy fucking hours and I can't stay away…" His voice drifted off and he looked at her, apprehension evident.

However, she didn't hesitate. In two steps she was standing right in front of him, and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her head against his torso.

He could feel the soft, fluttery breaths she was letting out against his shirt and pressed his lips down on top of her head.

This was enough for now. All he needed was to be with her.

**(break)**

Paige watched Lily walk out of the hall. Her slim mouth turned down into a not-so-pretty frown, and her eyes glared daggers into Lily's back.

Turning back to her food, she proceeded to stab into a piece of fruit with her fork, turning the poor slice of cantaloupe into a shapeless, orange blob.

It was obvious that something was going on between James and Lily. There was a frisson of sexual tension between them that was impossible to ignore.

The thing that confused Paige, however, was that Lily was such a good girl. Sure, she had hung out all the time with the cool, older students, but she had always had that outward appearance of the perfect student, all preppiness and pretty smiles. But if Paige's guesses were correct, Lily was cheating on her boyfriend, John, who was one of the most lusted for guys in the school, with James, who was quite possibly the most lusted for guy in school.

Christ, the bitch was lucky.

What the hell did Lily Evans have that made her so goddamn irresistible? Or, more point blank, why the fuck did Lily have James?

Maybe because she's gorgeous?

Damn it, I want him back so badly.

Paige slumped down into her seat, pouting and upset.

I had him first.

He should be mine.

**(break)**

The Christmas ornaments in the halls glinted cheerily as Lily rushed to meet James for their patrol. She was grinning with anticipation, remembering what he had said today to her in the halls.

"I want you." His voice had been a deep husky whisper, thick with passion and his hand had gone around her waist, stroking her back as he had walked by her in the crowded Potions supply closet. With that, he had grinned so infuriatingly lightly and sauntered off, leaving her with bated breath and watching his mesmerizing stride, emphasized by– oh dear- his amazing arse.

They did that often, whispering to each other discreetly when others would not notice them, and she would often feel his hand pressed up against her stomach or back as he walked by, a gentle caress that would remind her of him, and leave her shivering in delight.

And she had still not broken up with John. She didn't know why the hell she was putting it off, seeing as she couldn't give less of a crap about him. But for some reason, whenever she opened up her mouth to break up with him, she would feel a leaden sense of guilt, and shut her mouth again.

It was a never-ending, painful cycle of churning uneasiness that kept her from breaking up with him. After she spent time with James, she would feel victorious and strong enough to break up with John. But, as always, when approaching her real boyfriend, she weakened with disgust at herself, feeling obliged to date John because she owed him, she was so bad, and she had to stay with him.

What an idiotic way to live. What a stupid, pointless relationship.

Her physical relationship with John had progressed slowly, and she had just let him kiss her and touch her sometimes, not really wanting it, but she couldn't think of reasons as to why he couldn't. Nothing very serious, of course, that was all reserved for James, but she knew that James hated her being with John still, and she tried mightily to keep James from doing anything.

"Just wait a little longer. I can't yet, but soon…"

And she would break up with John soon. She knew she would. At break, she would cut off all ties, and then it would be over.

It would all be over, and she could have James.

**(break)**

It was nearly Christmas break now, and James felt jumpy with excitement pending the oncoming holidays. James waited impatiently for Lily in front of the Transfiguration classroom. He had been serving detention, and was now jumpy, because all he'd done was think of her. The whole time.

He saw her then, rushing down the hall, cheeks pink with exertion and smiling happily. It lifted his heart, seeing her like that and he walked towards her as well, a slightly self- deprecating smile spreading across his face, and his hands thrust into his pockets.

"Hi, you," she gasped, her voice breathy and soft. She laughed and fell into him, immediately reaching up to kiss his neck and jaw.

He chuckled as well, replying, "Hey, yourself." He put his finger under her chin, tilting her head up to kiss her firmly on the lips. "Ready to go patrolling?"

She groaned, pouting outrageously. "No…but do I have a choice?"

"Want to go walk around the lake afterwards?" Say yes, say yes, say yes…

Lily quirked her eyebrows up, green eyes twinkling mischievously. "Well, well, well…bad boy James Potter is on the rampage. I'll come with you. As long as you can make sure we don't get caught."

He pressed his lips together, trying not to smile. "Oh, that I can guarantee."

**(break)**

Lily sat impatiently at the foot of the stairs to the boys' dormitories. James had instructed her to sit there, saying that he would be back shortly.

It had now been twenty-five minutes.

Twenty-five terrifying minutes of whirling thought.

All she had been able to think about was James. James kissing her, caressing her, pressed up so tightly that it hurt: it was difficult to breath whenever these thoughts crossed her mind.

They hadn't slept together yet, mostly because she was too afraid. She'd had sex only once, and the experience had been less than ideal, and she let her mind drift back and remember.

(break)

It was a dry, hot summer day, and the sun was drifting towards the horizon, bringing on the darkness. Lily sat on the beach, a glass of tequila in her hand. Her skin was a nice tan and everything around her seemed to shine with the brassy, golden light reserved for the inebriated. Her drink, her skin, the ocean- it all possessed a smoldering brightness that comforted her. The air around her was all enveloping and encompassing. She felt cushioned and safe in her drunkenness, and grinned at the shy, good-looking boy beside her.

She wanted to convey her happiness, her confidence in that smile. She felt so relaxed and happy. It was summer! No school to worry over, no stupid magic rules. Here she was, at a muggle teenage party, sitting next to a handsome boy who was her first candidate for her Devirginator.

She chuckled to herself at that name that she had created. The whole idea behind coming to this party had been to Get Laid. That way, she figured, she could just get the whole messy, painful act done with and behind her. Just find someone, anyone really, who was hot enough to sleep with and just get it over with. No attachment, no involvement to complicate things.

Leaning into the boy sitting beside her (Tom? Or was it Todd?) she slurred out a drunken proposal. "Wanna go shag inside?"

After that, everything was a hazy, Technicolor-ed blur, all the words spoken and the walk to the house blending together into a wonderful dreamland. Everything was indistinguishable from one thing to the next, all of it a mush, a swirl of dizzying pictures and words.

She and the boy (Maybe Tex? Or Ted?) stumbled together up the stairs and into a bedroom, falling onto each other and landing on the soft mattress.

At this point, her drink was wearing off, and she was getting a terrible headache, starting to regret coming up here, and hoping to go home. She stuck it out regardless; wanting to just finish it off, just get it out of the way.

Cross if off the "To do List."

Ha, in more ways than one.

Everything about the whole procedure was awkward, from the way his bumbling fingers undid her shirt and bra to the way she struggled out of her skirt. How shy they were! They bumped foreheads painfully when the both tried to pull of his shirt, and she forgot, temporarily, how to work a zipper when faced with the prospect of undoing his. When they were finally naked except for her knickers and his boxers, they found themselves exhausted from the exertion of undressing each other.

Just do it. You can do it. Just a little bit longer.

Struggling against the growing urge to sleep, she reached over and tugged at the waistband of his boxers. There was nothing affectionate about it, just a business-like way to remove what was in her path.

Her warpath, more like.

He too was pulling off her panties. When he'd taken them off, he held them to the side for a moment, placing his hand on her hip as he tried to direct himself in between her legs. He was inept and unsure of his actions, trying not to touch her with his embarrassing erection. For some reason, all she was able to look at were her knickers, dangling by his side, a soft, pale pink, so innocent. She had tried so hard not to cry, but she didn't know if she could hold out much longer.

There was no foreplay, just the ungainly shove of his hips into hers, and it hurt badly when he pushed in at first. He was jerky and obviously unskilled. He continued to yank himself in and out, in and out, and eventually she just forgot what was happening, just keeping her gaze on the ceiling, pretending she was doing something else, feeling hopelessly vacant and unfulfilled.

There was none of the spectacular orgasm and pleasure that her friends had raved about. When it was done, he redressed and left, and she stayed behind in the bedroom for a while, before getting dressed as well and stumbling back to her family's vacation home. She remembered walking by her father and mumbling an excuse for her lateness, thinking to herself, I'll never be the same again. I'll never be his little girl anymore.

I'm so dirty.

I'm so dirty.

And with that she had climbed up the stairs to her room and collapsed in a heap of tears and self-disgust.

No longer a girl, perhaps, but still a long way to being the promised woman.

**(break)**

James came down the stairs at last, holding onto his invisibility cloak, worried for keeping Lily waiting.

As he opened his mouth to explain Sirius' bad mood, he was shocked to see that she was crying.

"Lily, what-?"

She turned her face towards him and whispered softly, "You know I love you, right?"

His heart thudded inside his ribcage, and he murmured, "I don't understand."

She turned away and said quietly, "I just want you to know I love you, OK?"

He sat beside her. "Lily, look at me."

She did, facing him, her eyes giving him her heart. He could feel her pain, right then.

"I love you Lily."

She collapsed against him then and he dropped the cloak to the ground and just held her like that for a long, long time.

**A/N: Ahhhhhh finis….. That chapter was damn difficult. I stopped in the middle of the week and deleted the whole second half before doing it over again. I hope none of you found the flashback too painful.**

**Be prepared! This story is not fluffy! Not happy, not exactly angsty, but it is not all happy and ooooh I love you crap. Just so you all know.**

**And I wanted to say I had an idea for a Ginny/Harry. They'd be out of Hogwarts though. Hm….**

**Review Responses**

**Rose Angelz: Haha, she's got a guilt complex, that's why she's stupid. **

**Ice-princess2515: Was it? Hmm that's surprising, because I thought it might have been too clichéd. Glad it wasn't though.**

**Blueslusher48: Yes! I'm glad you understand the fast-paced thing. I wish life would slow down though, damn it!**

**Yuna: Haha, glad that it's far from crap. Thanks tres much!**

**Alex C. Potter: Thanks, I feel particularly bad for James though, it must suck to be the third wheel.**

**EmotionalSoul: Wouldn't it be nice if John disappeared miraculously? Damn, I'm starting to wish that he would.**

**Norah Isobel: Thanks for the review…last chappie I think I had an explanation as to why it was so fast. If you didn't see it that is. And if you still feel that way, please tell me why in more detail, and if I get convinced, I may change the story.**

**Greengrl: James has! Hahaha, but I don't know more abuse the poor guy can take. **

**Strawberry'd: John is basically a nonentity. He's a pointless guy who Lily sees in only one way because she couldn't give less of a crap. There's no point in developing him because he's just an object.**

**Green Eggs and Ham: Thanks for loving it. I love your name by the way. Dr. Seuss kicks ass.**

**Aligandahouse: Love the expression, lol. James isn't STUPID, he's just feeling very put out because Lily won't break up with him.**

**Amber Tinted: Haha, I'm glad you get why he tried to end it. **

**Kristanna: No guarantees, but I'm thinking of making this a two part story. Hmmm**

**Bondariana: I would love to join your organization. Lol, no I do not take the whole thing too seriously, don't worry. I'm sorry I didn't live up to the follow-up.**

**JKR: Lily doesn't have very many good friends. She's more of casual acquaintances with everyone because all her good friends were in the older years. Thanks for the comments about the real life thing. I'm trying to keep it that way.**


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